Recently I posted something I wrote, Spirituality and Everyday Life on Jason Clark’s blog. One of the commenters asked me to define “almost an atheist” . I’m posting their comment and my response because it turned out to be one of my more concise attempts to explain what I mean by “almost an atheist”.
They wrote
Helen, your candour is welcome; and I would happily agree that everything is spiritual in some sense because there is part of us as humans that is spiritual. We just can’t run away from it. I’m interested in your statement about being ‘almost an atheist,’ what do you mean by that? Are you waiting for a defining argument or are you happy to live with the dialectic of God/non God producing the synthesis of sprituality? If so I would feel somewhat vulnerable in your shoes.
This was my reply
Thanks for your comment.
‘Almost an atheist’ means I’m unsure whether God exists and prefer to live my life without attempting to be in communication with a possibly non-existent person. For much the same reasons as: I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who was often gone at night and gave no explanation; I wouldn’t continue to hire an employee who didn’t show up; and I wouldn’t work for an employer who didn’t pay me some months and gave no explanation. I can’t live that way.
I am open to defining arguments but am not putting my life on hold waiting for them; I spent about five years re-examining the intellectual, evidential, emotional and experiential basis of my faith which brought me to where I am.
When I was a Christian I was fairly well versed in apologetics and I pretty much knew what was out there in that realm. When those apologetics ceased to be convincing to me I was open to something I hadn’t come across showing up (I still am) but didn’t expect that to happen since I probably would have found it as a Christian interested in apologetics already. And so far it hasn’t happened.
My reasons for not being a Christian at present are extensive – I am not a closed-minded person but rather a person who is realistic about the likelihood of something being out there I missed in almost 20 years of being a Christian who liked to read and was very serious about my spiritual formation and relationship with God.
It’s ironic (no offense intended) that you say you’d feel vulnerable – it was because I felt so vulnerable that I had to do something different. As I alluded to earlier, nothing in my life has made me feel so vulnerable as when I became unsure the One I was depending on and had been doing my best to center my life around might not even exist.
I don’t feel vulnerable because I believe that if God is as loving and fair and merciful and just as the Bible claims, I have nothing to fear from him if he does exist. I have not defied God; I am simply living the only way it is possible for me to live, given my heart, mind, soul, strength and experience. And if anyone knows and understands that, it’s God (Jesus).
I really loved this sentence…
Thanks for sharing Helen!
Once again you have articulated the way I feel beautifully- I guess I am also ‘almost an athiest’. I am still in the process of “re-examining the intellectual, evidential, emotional and experiential basis of my faith” and looking for answers although slowly becoming for comfortable with the idea there might not be any.
I agree with you, the vulnerability comes from wanting to and trying to believe and yet not being able to trust. Letting go of the need to believe and understanding that a ‘God’ of love would understand that process feels like a much more secure place.
“I am not a closed-minded” – Well said! Not quite devout theist, not quite full fledged atheist. I’d like to think I’m in the same boat.
Wow, Helen. That is QUITE THE POST.
Beautifully, eloquently said! Thanks for the good read.
Interestingly enough, your thoughts may be as aggravating to a Christian as to an atheist. just because both groups are so certain of their “There is” “There isn’t” a God stand.
Craig, Sharon, Ted and Lorena, thanks for your comments!
Lorena, actually it hadn’t occurred to me my comments would aggravate atheists. I already know some Christians aren’t too happy about where I’m at.
This is beautiful. Any Christian who gives you grief should be ashamed.
Thanks Unorthodoxology!
Hi Helen,
Came here by way of your imonk posts and just wanted to thank you for sharing so much of what you’ve gone through (not something I’ve done yet as I’m still “in the closet” to much of my family).
I especially like your comment about having nothing to fear. I call that the inverted Pascal’s wager: if a loving and just god exists, then I lose nothing by honestly facing my own beliefs, and being the best person I know how to be. But if I believe one exists and I’m wrong, then I will spend my whole life trying to decipher the will of an inscrutable and frequently absent “father.” The smart bet is on honesty.
Cheers!
Hi David, thanks for stopping by!
Helen,
I am appreciative of your intellectual views that you have described above. It has interested me greatly to understand what you were speaking of as an “almost atheist.” I am also interested in wondering what your views were on the Bible saying in John 14 “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”
So i know that God is a Just God, and he is also merciful. I understand this. Just wanted to value and understand your take and opinions on this.
Thanks for your comment, Dan.
I’ve spent some time thinking about those words. I think they can be interpreted various ways. The interpretation I was taught was “You can’t go to heaven unless you believe Jesus died for your sins”. But I think those statements can also mean “anyone who finds truth and life has done it because of me” or “anyone who does good does it because of me” and anyone includes people who might not even have heard of Jesus or who reject what Christians tell them about Jesus for a variety reasons.
Sort of like in Matthew 25:31-46 where people who were kind to others later were told by Jesus, “you did this to me” and were rewarded even though as far as they were concerned, at the time they were doing it for another person and weren’t necessarily thinking of Jesus at all. There certainly is no indication in that passage that those people believed in Jesus – it absolutely is not mentioned as a criterion for them being rewarded.