I’m finding that sometimes the weirdest thing in my life is the one that helps stop me in my tracks. It’s like a pause button which someone out there pressed for me. It gives me a moment to rest, breathe, reassess, am I really on the path I want to be on? Is it time to make a U-turn?
Yesterday evening after I agreed to take medication for mental health reasons (that are probably obvious on my recent posts), I found myself getting angry and wanting to lash out violently, well not literally but with spitting and shouting and I did a bit at my husband. I’m not sure why except that lately I have been trying to only do what God tells me and at that point I felt like, well, things can’t get any worse.
The more he said the more angry I felt, even though I was sort of realizing this wasn’t about him. Because I do believe he’s a very kind man. However I did see in that moment that when it comes to my mental health, there are times when I feel like I lose my right to make my own choices.
And I suppose I realized in that moment that that’s what had happened yesterday – that I just assumed I had no voice, no say, that all that counted was making my husband happy.
And while I do want to make him happy I hadn’t treated myself the same way. I had bullied myself, basically, through my husband’s kindness, into something that wasn’t what I wanted to do.
So in a way I was actually more angry at myself than anyone else, although that doesn’t make sense.
Anyway my husband was too bewildered to get very upset although it was beginning to sink in that there might be a bit of a situation here that meant we needed help. He left a message for our new psychiatrist (we visited one together jointly, yesterday, to get me help
We called my Mom and put her on speakerphone and she was able t help a lot just by listening to me (she has been a great listener for me this week!)
So I was trying to explain to my mother that this is a consent issue; that I was upset (not angry any more) that I had no vote, no say, in a choice affecting me. That – this came into my mind – if this were a morning-after pill for after unwanted sex, she’d have no problem with me taking it. How come she’d let me choose that yet force this one one me.
I think gradually things de-escalated. My mum kept saying, everyone just wants to help. So did Steve. That was all helpful but I wasnt there yet – still felt very mentally lost and unmoored.
So because of their kindness, everything was slowly winding down and spiraling backwards in a better direction and I was feeling much calmer. Then my husband suddenly said – ! – I mean, not surprise, since he’s a genius but, I was surprised at how it was almost a different person, a quiet calm one with a great sense of humor, who suddenly said, with quiet confidence, but totally in the way my husband talked “I’ll take the medicine as well! IF that’s the issue let’s do it together.”
We didn’t need my Mom anymore so we hung up the phone and then he said “let’s go in the kitchen and take it!”. And he got out two glasses and got out a pill for each of us and he took his first, actually, but only a moment before me.
I was shocked that he’d take a presciption drug not prescribed for him – I mean, is that even a thing? – but he seemed to be getting more an more confident and saying “Well I need sleep as well, I hope it really does work!” I realized then that a lot of my upset was more about having to go it alone than about consent per se. So it was very helpful and at the same time making it harder to type now, possibly.
Anyway, very weirdly indeed we were both able to calm down together, take my medication together and hopefully well all feel better together, very soon. Ah there was a weird thing in this dream about people helping us, but I’m no tsure who.
Back to weird things (I never really left that topic though) going forward, I’ll be trying to listen better. I’ll take a moment whenever I have time (ironically taking time when I have time!) to think carefully whenever something weird or unusual stops me in my tracks. . Then I’ll ask someone (a friend, God, the universe, my Higher Power, whatever) whether it’s time to turn the corner and go in a new direction. Because I believe one tiny change could make all the difference. At least, I hope I’m right on that.