(Here’s the one-line summary for people in a hurry: 1) listen 2) get consent, always.)
This is a guide to how sensitive people like me can freak out at innocent-seeming, well-intentioned, responses. It’s a window into our world. It’s probably why we hate it when people try to help us.
It does include a specific action step about not freaking me out.
Further down there is also a warning about how dangerous it can be not to ask for consent.
I’m finding that a surprising number of real life problems arise from a failure to obtain true consent.
Ok, so here are two words that freak me out.
Don’t [worry]
This may sound really dumb but,before I even get to the second word, I flinch at the first word “Don’t“. It’s a reflex – I literally can’t help emotionally ‘bracing for impact’ at the word “Don’t!”. I reflexively think “Oh no, I’m in trouble and I’m about to get scolded. What did I do wrong this time? I try so hard and it seems like I can never get it right!”
But haha if I say “Don’t say ‘don’t to me!” then I’m doing it back to you. Maybe you also flinch at “don’t”. So I will go with the I statement of, I flinch when I hear that word. It’s not your fault but I do. So please could you express things to me without using that word?”
Ok I didn’t really address “don’t worry” yet so –
Don’t worry
When I get to the second word that’s a relief and I’m a bit less worried. However it still induces a state of minor panic in me. In other words it causes me to worry, when I wasn’t worried before, when I hear “Don’t worry!” (Ironically – how’s that for counter-productive?)
The words still make me panic somewhat, thinking “Oh no! what did I do this time?”
Nevertheless, I feel a bit better than I did after “Don’t!”. At least this is going to be an empathetic explanation of what I did wrong, because it starts with “don’t worry”. Something like “Don’t worry, yeah you screwed that up but it’s ok, I forgive you“.
The trajectory has improved a lot from the first word “Don’t”. At that point it could have been a non-empathetic angry scolding. Now it’s reduced to a possibly patronizing comment (since, did I actually do what I’m being forgiven for? Is there a presumption of wrongdoing here?) But at least it’s kindly meant.
Ah but there’s actually a third word after the first two…
Don’t worry, I
“”Don’t worry, I?” You mean this isn’t about me at all? It’s not about me doing something wrong and being in trouble? I’m not about to get scolded? I’m not even going to get the slightly less painful option of being scolded but in a somewhat empathetic way? I braced for impact and I didn’t need to? Wow this is amazing!! I never saw this coming after the first word and not even after the first two words!!”
So, yeah, for people like me, just those first two words spike panic in me, literally.
And on the flipside notice the incredible power of the third word ‘I’ to undo all that. This article talks about I statements and has other great bonus material on how to be a good listener.
Even though the third word ‘I’ enabled me to climb down again and creep out of whatever hole I ran into at the first two words – I would still prefer to avoid that emotional rollercoaster and mini-spike.
I have a suggestion that would help me if you don’t mind changing your words a bit? I know I’m asking a favor because the issue here is not that your words are wrong, per se. It’s my weird panic reflex reaction to them.
Anyway my small favor to ask/suggestion is: instead of “Don’t worry, I”, could you instead begin with “By the way, I – “? That would help me out a lot.
Also, could you do it until the day if/when I stop panicking at the word “Don’t”? I wish it didn’t make me panic, but, hey. it’s evidently been 57 years so who knows if it will ever happen, at this point?
(The weird thing is, I suspect it might be the case that the words and the person go together. That once I have evidence of you in particular saying “By the way” instead of “Don’t worry” simply because I asked you to, maybe it won’t matter any more which of those you say. Because I will know you care enough to make a stupid little change like that because of my stupid dumb irrational panic reflex. That might be enough for me to be ok going forward with you saying stuff that used to make me flinch (panic).
I don’t know because I can’t predict the future. It seems that a reflex is a reflex. On the whole. I might be stuck with this for life.
Hey it could be worse though, so don’t worry about me (yeah I heard it, I said the words ‘don’t worry’ words I’m asking you not to say).
I could be starving or in prison or tortured for non-conformism or, whatever…ie it’s a first-world problem, isn’t it? It will help if I can keep things in perspective.
Nevertheless, reflexes happen before I can do any of that rationalizing, I just went through to regain perspective, as fine and helpful as it is.
So, I still would prefer you not to say those 2 words. Until if/when I stop having that panic reflex.
Ok, moving on: what if the third word isn’t ‘I’. What if it’s ‘you’ because it really is about me! What then? Let’s see:
Don’t worry, you –
My worst fears are confirmed! This really is about me. My panic gives way to anger (but no way am I going to tell you about my weird irrational emotions so it stays on the inside – I smile but seethe inwardly. Because pretty much 100% of the time when people start this way, I am about to hear something very invalidating. I am going to be expertsplained by an expert on something I already know. Or at least have much more clue about it than they think. Often I know more about it than they do!
How do I know I’m about to be expertsplained? I don’t. Not until they finish what they are saying. I’m just predicting, based on past experience, that you are about to make it clear to me that I know more, by saying that only people who know less than me say. If you see what I mean. People who know what I know, learned along with that, not to say what you just said.
The fact that you’re saying this shows me that I know more than you about this particular topic. You may genuinely be an expert on a lot of things but, in this area, evidently, I am more of an expert than you. Even if you’ve got a lot more titles than me and are much more famous than me.
By the way, you might only be able to learn what I know, from a person like me. It might be the only option, if you truly want to understand, because it might be something that can only be learned from people like me. You don’t necessarily need to learn it from me in particular. Anyone like me who is brave enough to say it can tell you. However, in my experience most people who know it aren’t brave enough to say it. Maybe it’s too embarrassing for most people to admit to this sort of stuff.
Moving on: I accidently wrote another ‘Don’t worry’ into this post, as I was writing it, so I may as well cover that too.
Don’t worry about –
This one is going to be truly meant and may not be from someone presuming they they know more than me. It’s an empathetic attenpt to help me not worry about something I may be truly worried about. They may have accurately noticed what I’m worried about. That, by the way, might make me feel threatened. That they see the ‘real me’ who is worried, behind my ‘brave exterior’. What if they use that information to their advantage, against me?
Anyway so I feel threatened that they saw the real, stupid, scared, me that I was trying to hide behind a brave exterior, nevertheless I get that they saw it because they were paying attention. They paid attention because they truly do care about me. They are trying to help me now because they do care about me.
I get that and I will try to appreciate that they care, in spite of my reflex panic reaction to “Don’t worry!”.
Here’s the problem though. Which, by the way, I have only lately understood even was a problem.
You’re responding to noticing I am in pain. Maybe I actually said “I’m in pain” or maybe you just noticed. If you noticed then, seriously,congratulations! You already have some good listening skills.Even so, please check out how to be a good listener – in case there’s anything in there you didn’t know.
(That wasn’t the problem yet) The problem is I did not actually ask you for help. You are presuming to help me but have not asked whether I want help. You have not got my consent to help me. That means your kindly meant offer of help is violating my boundaries and is actually abusive to me.
Ideally I would realize you’re doing something abusive and say “Stop! No thanks! Don’t need your help on this one!”
That’s not easy to say though is it? It should be but I am pretty sure that I have received negative feedback in the past when I said that from people who were annoyed that I didn’t appreciate their help. In fact I suspect they were especially upset because their bad programming told them they had to help people. And I was interfering with that programming by not saying “ok, sure help me, and I will be soooo grateful!”
Those people craved the gratitude without realizing it and because of that, their original attempt to help me turned into them being angry with me. Which was the last thing I needed and, tragically, the last thing they intended when they had the idea of helping me. Their bad programming was what turned their attempts to help into abuse of me. It wasn’t that they were an evil person intent on taking advantage of me and using me to their own ends.
Ok, so it’s hard for me to say “Wait, Stop! I didn’t ask for this!” Nevertheless I didn’t ask and, you didn’t check whether I wanted it, and since I don’t you are being abusive. Not on purpose, but, you are. Abusing me.
You may think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here. The thing is, people with a traumatic/chaotic past are incredibly sensitive about this stuff. Actually I don’t know about anyone else for sure. I know that I am incredibly sensitive about it. I wasn’t necessarily born this way (although perhaps I was). There’s a clear link, if I read the psychology research, between past trauma and being hypersensitive and hypervigilant.
Bill Hybel has ended up where he’s ended up because of consent issue failures. You might think there’s no way you could ever do anything as evil to others as what many woman have said he did. However – if you’re not obtaining consent you could be on the same path. If people can’t – or won’t – say no to you then you could end up hurting them as much as he has hurt people.
Someone who doesn’t know they need to ask consent is in danger of becoming a bully. A predator. Someone who seriously hurts others and ends up in jail. Literally.
I believe this is often where it starts. With not realizing that a kind act can actually be abusive, if consent was not obtained. (The error can be compounded by making presumptions about what ‘kind’ means to someone else, through not paying attention and not listening). So this stuff matters, Truly it does.
Please don’t stop being kind. But please – make sure you obtain consent! Consent to do whatever ‘kind’ means, in that context. Which is easy to find out because all you have to do is listen. Actually it’s not easy, it’s simple. It’s simple but also hard because listening is hard. All humans evidently much prefer to talk than listen. (Except those so beaten down that they have stopped talking and can only listen).
So, obtain consent. But, be aware that ‘yes’ sometimes means ‘actually no but I am only allowed to say yes’. Depending on the person and what their bad programming consists of.
So ideally, check carefully, but in a non-invalidating way (because asking “Did you really mean ‘yes’? is the same as calling someone a liar. So this is very tricky!) that it was not a coerced ‘yes‘. Coerced by bad programming which means that person literally cannot say no if they think it will hurt your feelings. The programing requires them to put your feelings above their needs and say ‘yes’ unless they are sure you won’t be upset if they say ‘no’.
Yes they are a mess. You were right! But if you don’t make sure their ‘yes’ means ‘yes’, somehow, then trying to help them will be abusive to them.
If you get a true honest yes that was not coerced, then congratulations! You have got through to a person who needs help and at the same time is extremely hard to help. You may have reached a level no-one else has reached. Don’t waste it because now, perhaps, you can truly change their life. Or, better, you can help them help themselves to truly change their life.
Which was all you ever wanted, right? Maybe it was all they ever wanted, too. You just didn’t know how to get there. Either of you.