A couple of weeks ago, in the foyer of a chapel, I met Pete Rollins for the first time. “I’m here today because I really want to hear you speak” I said to him “but I’m not going into the service because I don’t do worship”.

“Neither do I, usually”, he replied with a friendly smile as he went into the service. Along with everyone else except me.

I loved his response. In effect I’d said “I’m an outsider here” and he’d replied “me too.” There’s nothing more reassuring an outsider can hear, especially if it’s from a ‘leader’ who surely is as ‘inside’ as it’s possible to be! In fact my picture of Jesus (perhaps imaginary) based on the Bible stories about him has him responding exactly like this to outsiders.

But would the leader of a faith community ‘bend the truth’ in order to be relational? That didn’t seem right even though it would be very kind. Perhaps he was simply being honest. Yet how could it be true that the leader of a faith community didn’t (usually) do worship?

I definitely don’t do worship. The main reason is that it feels like a ‘lie’ to say things implying I love God and believe in God when I’m far from sure God even exists. A few days before I met Pete I remembered another reason. Even when I did believe, my memory of worship is that it made me feel happy while I was participating in it and I believed I was doing something beneficial. Yet it didn’t actually change me. So I was deluding myself. I would rather spend that time doing something which demonstrably made the world a little bit better. (I’m sharing my own experience here. I’m not saying worship is that way for everyone)

Pete’s talk followed immediately after the chapel service. When I heard him I understood he really had meant what he said about worship. At least, worship as it is often engaged in in contemporary evangelical circles.

Pete began by quoting Marx’ comments about religion being the opium of the people. Approvingly! Then he explained, the problem with the way worship is often done is that it becomes an escape from the suffering in our lives, rather than helping us confront it and come to terms with it.

Pete talked about what he thought worship should be and do. It should express the full range of emotions (not just “Jesus is my boyfriend”) so people can confront the trauma in their lives in a safe, ritualized communal way. When the emotions are overwhelming the worship leaders can express the emotions for us. Ministers and priests need to be honest about their own crises and doubts otherwise they help us ‘run away’ from ours.

Pete validated doubt as part of the Christian experience. He also said if you believe, it will show because God will be transforming your reality, your material existence.

And he said people find God (and are helped in coming to terms with their own suffering) through sharing stories with each other.

The last thing I expected when I decided to go hear Pete was that he’d agree with some of my concerns about worship. That was awesome. I’m very glad I went!

I reconnected with the richness and beauty of the world around me when I moved away from my conservative Christian beliefs.

Until then I didn’t know I was disconnected. I didn’t realize my beliefs had narrowed my world until it opened up again and I felt the difference.

As a conservative Bible-believing Christian I believed I could relate deeply only to other conservative Bible-believing Christians. My other relationships were limited (unless I could lead that person to Christ) because we lacked the ‘bond of the Holy Spirit’.

My beliefs blinded me to the many simple natural ways in which I could connect with others. When I lost the beliefs I found myself enjoying people more. Now I am free to appreciate them on any level, not just ‘through the Spirit’.

It wasn’t just relationships that lost value when I was a Christian. Knowledge and art were useless and pointless unless they led people to Christ or deeper in their walk with him. The amazing discoveries and inventions of humanity were mostly wasted time on the way to a lost eternity. Now I am free to enjoy all learning again outside the pages of the Bible.

I was also disconnected by fear. What was not of Christ might lead me astray. I should avoid such things (I’m thinking of books rather than people, who I couldn’t avoid because I was supposed to lead to Christ). This fear happily dissipated as my beliefs changed. Now I’m free to read more widely again.

I don’t want to over-generalize my personal experience. It was my particular understanding of my faith which narrowed and shut down my world, disconnecting me from the richness and beauty around me. I’m not saying it happens to all Christians. Nor that my only way of escape was losing my Christian beliefs.

What I do know is: I’m very glad my world has opened up again and I’m free to reconnect and enjoy it in every way possible.

Two days ago I was sitting in the doctor’s office. The nurse was explaining to me how to give myself a shot of a Crohn’s medication I’m just starting. I was quite afraid it would hurt, then I’d drop the syringe and mess up the injection. I could have had her do it but I really wanted to learn how, so I took some deep breaths and DID IT MYSELF.

In fact I barely felt the needle (thank you superfine insulin needles!) That’s the neat thing about facing up to a fear: the fear is often much worse than the reality. But the only way to find out is to act in spite of the fear.

That shot only involved me; but when we act in spite of fear and take risks on other people, they benefit too. As a Christian I learned how Jesus took risks on other people. He touched a leper, risking his own health and made friends with outcasts, risking his reputation.

I loved those stories and wanted to follow Jesus in this. I hoped Jesus’ followers would do the same for me. But when I experienced mental illness, many didn’t even want to take small risks on me. I was hurt and disillusioned.

I left church for that and other reasons but I still want to take risks on people. Especially because of what mental illness has taught me: someone who seems weird on the outside is still human on the inside, with human needs for compassion and kindness.

Maybe there’s someone in your world who would love to have you take a risk on them today.

When I began to question my Christian beliefs, one of my biggest fears was: “How can a person be happy without God?”

Interacting with happy atheists on the Internet reassured me. Their enjoyment of life proved it must be possible.

I can’t count on God loving me or directing my life anymore, or eternal happiness after this life. But I can appreciate the kindness of others, beautiful scenery and everything that is going well. They are as wonderful as ever though I no longer think of them as gifts from God.

Two years ago a new level of uncertainty came into my life. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, a condition with no cure. Doctors try to control the symptoms with medication but in my case the medications haven’t been very effective.

My counselor attempted to give me hope with “Maybe this medication will work.” I tried to explain “I can’t go there any more than I can hope in a God I don’t know exists. What works for me is accepting the reality that my future health is uncertain, then choosing not to worry about it.” Worry implicitly assumes a bad outcome and is as unrealistic as counting on a good one.

I remember reading “Don’t worry” back in my Bible studying days. That’s ok. Outsiders are allowed to incorporate any good advice they run across, even if it’s attributed to Jesus!

They wrote

Helen, your candour is welcome; and I would happily agree that everything is spiritual in some sense because there is part of us as humans that is spiritual. We just can’t run away from it. I’m interested in your statement about being ‘almost an atheist,’ what do you mean by that? Are you waiting for a defining argument or are you happy to live with the dialectic of God/non God producing the synthesis of sprituality? If so I would feel somewhat vulnerable in your shoes.

This was my reply

Thanks for your comment.

‘Almost an atheist’ means I’m unsure whether God exists and prefer to live my life without attempting to be in communication with a possibly non-existent person. For much the same reasons as: I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who was often gone at night and gave no explanation; I wouldn’t continue to hire an employee who didn’t show up; and I wouldn’t work for an employer who didn’t pay me some months and gave no explanation. I can’t live that way.

I am open to defining arguments but am not putting my life on hold waiting for them; I spent about five years re-examining the intellectual, evidential, emotional and experiential basis of my faith which brought me to where I am.

When I was a Christian I was fairly well versed in apologetics and I pretty much knew what was out there in that realm. When those apologetics ceased to be convincing to me I was open to something I hadn’t come across showing up (I still am) but didn’t expect that to happen since I probably would have found it as a Christian interested in apologetics already. And so far it hasn’t happened.

My reasons for not being a Christian at present are extensive – I am not a closed-minded person but rather a person who is realistic about the likelihood of something being out there I missed in almost 20 years of being a Christian who liked to read and was very serious about my spiritual formation and relationship with God.

It’s ironic (no offense intended) that you say you’d feel vulnerable – it was because I felt so vulnerable that I had to do something different. As I alluded to earlier, nothing in my life has made me feel so vulnerable as when I became unsure the One I was depending on and had been doing my best to center my life around might not even exist.

I don’t feel vulnerable because I believe that if God is as loving and fair and merciful and just as the Bible claims, I have nothing to fear from him if he does exist. I have not defied God; I am simply living the only way it is possible for me to live, given my heart, mind, soul, strength and experience. And if anyone knows and understands that, it’s God (Jesus).