For the last few months my Crohn’s Disease has been a little better. That’s a reality I’m very happy about. A couple of weeks ago my Crohn’s Doctor did an internal exam. She only had time to make brief comments right afterwards, which were that the worst affected places didn’t look significantly improved from a year ago.

That was another reality and it conflicted with the first reality in a rather discouraging way. I had to work hard to hold onto the first reality, that I definitely have been feeling better, in order not to get discouraged.

My attitude, even though it’s all in my head, is also a reality. It affects my physical realities since stress is thought to affect Crohn’s and feeling discouraged or worrying about the illness is stressful. Also, I make more effort to exercise and eat healthily when I’m not discouraged, two things I believe might help to some extent.

In my follow-up visit after her vacation I’ll have more time to talk with my doctor. I think some of the places which weren’t the very worst have improved, which would make her observations less in conflict with how I’ve been feeling. I did ask her about that in the brief talk and she said it was possible, but she was more focused on what wasn’t better. I understand why but for the sake of my attitude, which affects so much else, I need to keep the reality of ‘what isn’t better’ in perspective and not let it push out all the other realities of my life.

On summer mornings I like to go out early. It’s warm but not hot and it’s quiet. I like to see the morning sun shining through the trees and across the grass of the parks near my house. And enjoy the peacefulness before the busyness of the day gets underway.

I was always a morning person. But in the last few years since developing Crohn’s I’ve often not felt well enough to do much of anything first thing in the morning. In recent months I’ve been a little better and this happily has given me my mornings back.

I started exercising in the mornings again, at least a little, most days. Exercise isn’t exactly at the top of my ‘fun things to do’ list but I believe it’s so good for me I try to be disciplined about doing some regularly. I’m very happy when it gets warm enough that it’s pleasant to exercise outside, early in my day.

We’re going to Ireland next month with my extended family and I hope that will be a wonderful trip. But overall I think it’s the smaller things which make the most difference to how I feel about my life. The things I can do every day (at least at this time of year), like going outside on summer mornings.

When I signed up for broadband TV I thought I chose the cheapest package. Recently, I threatened to cancel because of price increases and that produced an interesting disclosure from the company. I could save $20 a month if I cut back to broadband network channels only.

I wish I’d known that in the first place since I wasn’t even watching the other channels in my package. (If you had my package you probably wouldn’t either)

Connecting and being part of a community are in my dreams. Church provides opportunities for those. It used to be the ‘right package’ because everything in it was important to me.

Now I’m looking for ‘connection and community only’ packages. I don’t have a dream church (our current theme) because all churches include things that wouldn’t be in my dream package.

The work of art placed in front of me certainly was beautiful. But it wasn’t there just to be admired – I was supposed to eat it. “What is it?” I asked my brother, curious and a little apprehensive.

Questions can be powerful. Sometimes we ask because we want information or reassurance. Faced with exquisitely presented but unfamiliar food on our trip to Japan, I was looking for both.

Sometimes if I ask myself a question it helps me get ‘unstuck’. Like “why is this bothering me so much?”

Questions can also show others we care. When I’m having dental work my dentist asks me from time to time “Are you ok?” That means a lot because it tells me he actually cares whether I’m in pain or not. When we ask other people “Are you ok?” with genuine concern, it gives them permission to share with us what’s really going on.
Sometimes questions cease to be real questions because of how we use them. “How are you?” looks like a question but actually it’s a greeting ritual to which the required response is “Fine. How are you?” Even if we’re not at all fine.

People like being asked questions as long as they aren’t too intrusive. When I’m talking to someone I think it’s fun to look for questions to ask. Perhaps I can pick up on something they already said. Or ask about something I noticed about them. Then – very important – I need to let them answer and listen to what they say. If I rush to grab the ‘conservational floor’ back from them they’ll (correctly) see I’m much more interested in me than them.

It takes effort to ask questions and listen and I often fail at it. Yet when I manage, it pays great relational dividends.

A couple of weeks ago, in the foyer of a chapel, I met Pete Rollins for the first time. “I’m here today because I really want to hear you speak” I said to him “but I’m not going into the service because I don’t do worship”.

“Neither do I, usually”, he replied with a friendly smile as he went into the service. Along with everyone else except me.

I loved his response. In effect I’d said “I’m an outsider here” and he’d replied “me too.” There’s nothing more reassuring an outsider can hear, especially if it’s from a ‘leader’ who surely is as ‘inside’ as it’s possible to be! In fact my picture of Jesus (perhaps imaginary) based on the Bible stories about him has him responding exactly like this to outsiders.

But would the leader of a faith community ‘bend the truth’ in order to be relational? That didn’t seem right even though it would be very kind. Perhaps he was simply being honest. Yet how could it be true that the leader of a faith community didn’t (usually) do worship?

I definitely don’t do worship. The main reason is that it feels like a ‘lie’ to say things implying I love God and believe in God when I’m far from sure God even exists. A few days before I met Pete I remembered another reason. Even when I did believe, my memory of worship is that it made me feel happy while I was participating in it and I believed I was doing something beneficial. Yet it didn’t actually change me. So I was deluding myself. I would rather spend that time doing something which demonstrably made the world a little bit better. (I’m sharing my own experience here. I’m not saying worship is that way for everyone)

Pete’s talk followed immediately after the chapel service. When I heard him I understood he really had meant what he said about worship. At least, worship as it is often engaged in in contemporary evangelical circles.

Pete began by quoting Marx’ comments about religion being the opium of the people. Approvingly! Then he explained, the problem with the way worship is often done is that it becomes an escape from the suffering in our lives, rather than helping us confront it and come to terms with it.

Pete talked about what he thought worship should be and do. It should express the full range of emotions (not just “Jesus is my boyfriend”) so people can confront the trauma in their lives in a safe, ritualized communal way. When the emotions are overwhelming the worship leaders can express the emotions for us. Ministers and priests need to be honest about their own crises and doubts otherwise they help us ‘run away’ from ours.

Pete validated doubt as part of the Christian experience. He also said if you believe, it will show because God will be transforming your reality, your material existence.

And he said people find God (and are helped in coming to terms with their own suffering) through sharing stories with each other.

The last thing I expected when I decided to go hear Pete was that he’d agree with some of my concerns about worship. That was awesome. I’m very glad I went!