This is a copy of my latest post on the Communitas Collective blog.
The work of art placed in front of me certainly was beautiful. But it wasn’t there just to be admired – I was supposed to eat it. “What is it?” I asked my brother, curious and a little apprehensive.
Questions can be powerful. Sometimes we ask because we want information or reassurance. Faced with exquisitely presented but unfamiliar food on our trip to Japan, I was looking for both.
Sometimes if I ask myself a question it helps me get ‘unstuck’. Like “why is this bothering me so much?”
Questions can also show others we care. When I’m having dental work my dentist asks me from time to time “Are you ok?” That means a lot because it tells me he actually cares whether I’m in pain or not. When we ask other people “Are you ok?” with genuine concern, it gives them permission to share with us what’s really going on.
Sometimes questions cease to be real questions because of how we use them. “How are you?” looks like a question but actually it’s a greeting ritual to which the required response is “Fine. How are you?” Even if we’re not at all fine.
People like being asked questions as long as they aren’t too intrusive. When I’m talking to someone I think it’s fun to look for questions to ask. Perhaps I can pick up on something they already said. Or ask about something I noticed about them. Then – very important – I need to let them answer and listen to what they say. If I rush to grab the ‘conservational floor’ back from them they’ll (correctly) see I’m much more interested in me than them.
It takes effort to ask questions and listen and I often fail at it. Yet when I manage, it pays great relational dividends.
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