Note added 12/10/06: this poem depicts my experience when I got mentally ill in 1996. It begins with my progression from ‘normal’ Christian thinking into the distorted way a manic person thinks. I’ve also written about that day here.
Jesus is my Lord and Savior
He died for my sins
He loves me
The Bible is the Word of God
If I remain in Him I can do worthwhile things
Through Him I can make a difference
He has things He wants me to do
Unique special things
They are important
I am important
I will help others understand the Bible
I will correct the mistakes in the Bible
Perhaps there are many mistakes
Perhaps there are mistakes about Jesus
Is He the one to pray to?
Is God who the Bible says He is?
Did God die?
Terrible dread, fear of death
Someone will die
Who? When?
I must ignore the feeling
It is too terrible, too painful
Now I am in the emergency room
Who am I ?
Am I God?
Am I the antichrist?
I AM SO CONFUSED
Am I really losing my mind?
Maybe I am
Maybe I must stay here forever
I am admitted
Intuitively I sense “Peace; be still”
I make myself still
I close my eyes
Peace fills my mind
I have never felt this peaceful
I fall asleep for a few minutes
I awaken in a hospital room, alone
Did I die?
I don’t know
What must I do next?
No one has told me
I must work it out
I may not talk
No; I may talk
Should I speak to my roommate?
Too late; she is leaving the room
I run after her, grab her
I am grabbed
Taken to the “quiet room”
Steve comes with me
I try to talk
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
I am worried
I realize they think I’m dangerous
They misinterpreted my action
How long will I be in here?
The doctor comes
We talk
My brain seems fine to me
But noone else thinks so
My credibility is gone
Will I ever get it back?
They say it’s 1 o clock
Steve must go
I am upset; I ask why
“It’s the rules” they say
Inside I am so frustrated
Inside I cry out
THIS IS NOT LOGICAL
I WANT HIM TO STAY
PLEASE GIVE ME A LOGICAL REASON
Please treat me like an intelligent person again
It gets worse;
Everyone leaves
Three large male nurses return
“Take this medication or we’ll inject you with it”
I do not know what it is
Will it take my mind away?
I object
They refuse to listen to me
My patient rights sheet said I could refuse medication
I feel betrayed; degraded
I want my right to compassion and understanding back
Who took that away?
Did I give it up?
When?
But in my heart I sense
“Don’t be afraid; I will protect you”
I take the medication because I have no choice
They leave me alone
Despairing I wonder what will happen
Will I have to stay in this room forever, alone?
Maybe; I don’t know
What shall I do?
Perhaps I should pray
Who to? Jesus?
Is Jesus the name above all names after all?
I’m sorry, Jesus; I forgot; I didn’t mean to
A song about Jesus is in my mind
I will sing it:
Jesus your name is Power
Jesus your name is Might
Jesus your name will break every stronghold
Jesus your name is Life.
I sing it over and over
Louder and louder
This is fun
I could do this forever
“He has not given us a Spirit of fear
but of power, love and a sound mind”
“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?”
I feel much better
Is the worst over?
I eat lunch
The medication takes effect and I sleep
The next day
I am happy
I have peace
I love the other patients
I want them to get better
I am surprised when the doctors send me home to recover
What a blessing
Thank you Jesus